Archive | September, 2010

bieber fever is making me nauseous.

29 Sep

granted, i’m no longer a teeny bopper so perhaps that has something to do with my astonishment at bieber fever. but this post doesn’t have to do with j. biebs himself. this is about the ludicrous hairstyle he has inspired in grown men.

justin bieber is 16, so his haircut, while still ridiculous, is appropriate for his baby head. but listen, tom brady: you are a 33-year-old superbowl-winning quarterback. i don’t care if your lady friend is gisele bundchen and she likes the biebs bowl cut on you. (gisele, you should know better than that anyway; you’re a supermodel.) you were the epitome of rugged masculinity before you decided to emulate a child. and all you have to say for yourself is, “ah, you’ll have to speak to my wife about that.” where is your dignity? where is your mirror?!

grown men ’round the world, please don’t take style tips from a boy going through puberty. if justin jumps off a bridge, are you going to jump off a bridge, too? (yes.) and fyi, when justin completes his adolescent development, his cherubic voice will be gone forever, leaving him with nothing but several million dollars and lustrous, flowing locks. you’d be out of your mind to imitate someone like that.

the reason i created this blog.

29 Sep

i could say i created this blog because i had something very important to say to the world, or because i wanted to see how i evolve and develop over time. but those things are simply not true. the real reason i started this blog is because of something that has been on my mind for years. stuck in my brain, hesitant to leave because it had not yet been properly recorded. well, cyberspace, here it is. here’s the reason for my entry into your culture.

saved by the bell.

yes, saved by the bell. this show has been both a gift and a curse to me, much like spiderman’s great power and great responsibility are to him. a gift: it brings me back to the good ol’ days, the days before dustin diamond became a creepy, porn actor (“saved by the smell”?!?!), before elizabeth berkley became a creepy, stripping actress (seriously, these “showgirls” quotes are disgusting), and before tiffani-amber thiessen cut her hair (just as blasphemous as the aforementioned transgressions). a curse: because i recently started rewatching this show while getting ready for work, just as i used to watch while getting ready for middle school. but now, i SEE things that just didn’t appear to me before. very. strange. things.

exhibit a: jeff hunter. for those who don’t recall, the homewrecking hottie is responsible for the zack and kelly break-up. he is the new manager of the max, and he does not hide his affections for miss kapowski. what i thought back then: jeff is a good-looking, successful, and somewhat older man, and while i feel bad for zack, kelly has the right to make her own choices. what i think now: jeff is a good-looking, creepy older man who should probably be put in jail. let me break it down: he ultimately gets caught cheating on kelly at the attic, an over-18 club, which the gang gets into with their fake ids. so how old is kelly? how old is jeff?! oh, 13-year-old robyn, you were a fool. kelly did not have the ability to make her own choices because she was not old enough to consent to being in this inappropriate relationship. on a side note that brings us back to reality, the actor who plays jeff has received hate mail for years for his role in the zack/kelly break-up.

exhibit b: we all remember the “good morning, miss bliss” days, for better or for worse (emphasis on the latter). upgrading to bayside was a better choice for SBTB than sticking around in indiana, and everyone knows it. but let’s fast forward for a moment: i’m watching the other morning, and as usual, zack is climbing into jessie’s window. let’s ignore how unsafe jessie’s room is and move on. zack alludes to the fact that they’ve been best friends for a long time, and he’s been coming through that window for ten years. …what? what happened to living in indiana before you knew jessie? this is a complete oversight in the show. you know jessie is not your lifelong friend, zack. what happened to mikey and nikki? while the show is better off without them, you still threw them away like trash, and now you’re lying about it. some friend you are.

exhibit c: there is so much wrong with the college years. why is the RA a former NFL player? why is kelly going after a much older man yet again? (shame on you, jeremiah lasky!) why did slater get offered a full-ride wrestling scholarship to iowa but go to this terrible school instead? what about zack’s perfect SAT scores? i will stop before i get to a level of angry that is known as “the new class.”

exhibit d: who on this show is intelligent and who is dumb? i still can’t figure it out. screech can build robots and zack relies on him for projects and tests, but he lacks all social skills and common sense. i know there’s a difference between street smart and book smarts, but this is ridiculous. not to mention that screech was the rightful valedictorian and still ended up at the same college as zack, slater, and kelly.

exhibit e: tori scott. she arrives at bayside out of nowhere, and disappears without warning. good riddance, i say; she is terrible. but where is kelly during this year? jessie? the show’s final season alternates episodes, some featuring tori, some featuring kelly and jessie, but never featuring all three together. it’s what chuck klosterman refers to as the “tori paradox.” yes, saved by the bell has paradoxes.

if my blog ends after this one post, i will still feel great relief for allowing these discrepancies to come to light. i’m sure as i continue to watch this show every morning, i will discover more nuances that plague my existence. and you can be sure i will be sharing them here.